"I’m Not Your Marriage Counselor" (Hamid’s Last Laugh Before His Wedding)
Introduction :
“I’m Not Your Marriage Counselor” is a humorous, lighthearted poem about a friend’s last-minute wedding panic and the playful advice he gets instead of real solutions. Blending comedy with truth, it shows that sometimes the best way to face life’s big changes is with laughter—and a reminder not to forget the white roses.
"I’m Not Your Marriage Counselor"
(Hamid’s Last Laugh Before His Wedding)
Hamid came up to me today,
He said, “Shahzad, I’m filled with dismay.
My wedding’s Sunday, I’m so afraid,
All these new people — I’m not a grade.”
He said, “My wife, in-laws, all the rest,
Maintaining happiness — I’m stressed.”
He asked me, “What should I do, brother?”
I said, “Don’t ask me — I’m not another.”
He said, “But you’re a friend, you’re kind.”
I said, “With marriage, I’m so blind.
I’m not married, I’m not a pro,
All I can do is confuse you even more.”
He said, “Please, just honestly say,
Whatever’s in your mind today.”
I said, “Okay… but I’m gonna laugh,
‘Cuz your worries are kind of daft.”
He said, “See, the food — the people care,
Some think there’s not enough, it’s unfair.”
I said, “Hey, there’s a thousand guests,
Some will be happy — some will be pests.”
He said, “What do you mean by this, man?”
I said, “If Allah won’t feed, nobody can.
Who are you to feed every plate?
Some will stay hungry — it’s their fate.”
He fell silent, thinking deep,
Then he asked, “My wife… it makes me weep…
She’ll fight with my mom every day —
How can I ease it, tell me a way.”
I said, “Your life’s already a mess,
Don’t add more stress — I must confess.
If you try to ease, you’ll become a bag,
A punching bag — you’re not a lag.”
He said, “Okay… I’m not a bag,
But I’m worried — that’s a drag.”
I said, “Move to a new place with your wife,
Save yourself, brother — your new life.”
He said, “But dad… he’s gonna be mad.”
I said, “Who care? — you’re not a lad.”
Just tell him, “Dad, I love you so,
But now I love my wife more — I’m gonna go.”
He said, “He’ll be mad, he’ll say I’m weak.”
I said, “He already thinks you’re a freak.”
Just say, “I’m gone, please do not chase,
I’m starting a new, happier place.”
He sighed, then nodded quietly,
He said, “Shahzad, you’re a comic, see.”
“That’s what I’m here for — comic, friend,
Making your worries come to an end.”
He said, “My wife’s angry — that's her style.”
I said, “Yes! That’s the magic in a wife’s smile.”
“Pakistani girls… mad for no reason, you know,
That’s their way — their flavor — their show.”
He said, “How can I survive this fate?”
I said, “Don’t survive — be someone great.
After marriage, you’re not the same,
So just let it be — that's the game.”
He said, “One thing I’ll remember today…
Your words made me laugh anyway.”
I said, “Whatever, I’m by your side…
Unless your wife… then I must hide.”
He said, “What if I forget the white roses, bro?”
I said, “Then you’re finished — that’s a low!
She’ll chase you down with a big knife,
Screaming, ‘Where are my flowers, you fool!’”
He said, “She might just wanna take my life.”
I said, “Exactly — that’s a married wife!
So remember the white roses, please,
Or you’ll be begging on your knees.”
He nodded, “Okay, I’ll not forget,
White roses first — or I’m in deep regret.”
I said, “Don’t say I didn’t warn you, friend,
About the danger at marriage’s end.”
He said, “Shahzad, you’re a crazy friend.”
“That I know”, I said, “until the end.”
He said, “Thank you… you made me strong.”
I said, “Don’t mention it — just move along.”
We both burst out laughing that day,
He said, “You're the biggest idiot, I must say.”
I replied, “And you’re even a bigger one, too,
‘Cuz you’re taking advice from me — that’s so true.”
He said, “Go buy flowers… we must prepare.”
I said, “Yes! We do it with care.”
He nodded — we walked side by side,
Laughing together — a comic ride.
—Shahzad Sulaiman
This Poem is based on this realife event :
My friend Hamid is getting married this Sunday, and he’s really scared about all the new relationships he’s going to have to manage in the upcoming days — his wife, his in-laws, and everyone else. Plus, he has to maintain a good relationship with his current relatives and family. So he came to me for advice. I thought, “Finally, Hamid has gone completely crazy.”
I told him, “Hamid, you’ve really lost your mind.”
He said, “Why?”
I replied, “You know I’m not married, and I’m not good with relatives either, so why ask me? Trust me, all I’ll do is confuse you even more.”
But he said, “Please, you’re my brother. If you can’t give correct advice, then at least listen and reply honestly.”
I agreed, but deep down I was laughing, thinking I was about to make his situation even worse if he don’t get what I mean. Still, I said, “Okay, go ahead, throw some questions at me.” The whole time I was smiling, looking at him.
He said, “Can you please stop smiling like a crazy idiot? You’re making me nervous.”
I said, “I can’t help myself.”
Then he started. His first question was: “In our country, during weddings, guests often feel sad because they think they didn’t get enough attention or enough to eat. How do I make everyone happy?”
I replied, “Hey Hamid, you know there will be at least a thousand guests, right? You can’t greet them all individually in one day. And no matter how much they eat, some will always think there wasn’t enough.”
He said, “What do you mean?”
I said, “If Allah doesn’t want to feed someone, then who are you to do it?”
He started thinking. Then he asked his next question: “After marriage, my wife and my mom are going to fight a lot, and that’s going to make my life hell. How do I stop that?”
I said, “Your life is already hell, bro. You don’t need more troubles to call it hell. And you can’t stop that fight. If you try, you’ll just be the punching bag. The best thing you can do is get a new house for your wife, so you get to live.”
He said, “Okay, but do you think I’m a punching bag?”
I said, “Of course not, but you can be if you want to.”
Then he asked, “Even if I get a new house for my wife, she’ll still be angry with me most of the time, because that’s the nature of Pakistani girls. How am I gonna survive that?”
I replied, “Hamid, you don’t get it, do you? You don’t need to survive — you’ll already be someone else after marriage. So why survive if you’re not Hamid anymore? And about Pakistani girls being angry at almost nothing — that’s their beauty. That’s their talent to keep husbands on track like a train all the time.”
Hearing this, Hamid burst out laughing and said, “Shahzad, you’re the biggest idiot on the planet, I replied and you are an even bigger idiot than me just because you like listening to my silly advice.”
I then said, “I know that already. Go on with the next question.”
He then asked, “How do I tell my father that I want to leave the house and buy a new one for me and my wife?”
I said, “Just tell him, ‘Dad, I loved you and mom a lot, but now I only love my wife and no one else. So I’m leaving your house. Please don’t try to find me and please don’t come after me.’”
I began to laugh after this, and Hamid stood up and said, “Are you kidding? Dad’s gonna kill me if I say this.”
I said, “Hey, I didn’t leave my home for my wife, neither am I married, so that’s the only advice you can get from here.”
But Hamid, don’t worry, no matter what happens or what you do, you will always find me by your side — except when your wife is trying to kill you because you forgot to bring her favorite white roses.”
After a moment of silence, Hamid and I both burst out laughing again.
He said, “Shahzad, you belong in some kind of comedy act.”
When I asked why, he replied, “You just made my day, even if you don’t know it.”
I said, “Look man, think about what I said — treat everyone fairly, including your wife. And yes, you really need that new house if you want to be happier. Just don’t shout at her when she’s angry, because I don’t want to lose Hamid as my brother.”
He said, “You bastard, you just did it again but on purpose this time.”
Then he said, “Come on now, we still need to buy lights, flowers, and other things for decoration.”
Disclaimer:
This poem is meant for entertainment and comic relief. The opinions and humor presented are not marriage counsel or meant to offend anyone. Always seek professional guidance for relationship issues.
This poem is based on real-life exchanges between me and my friend, Hamid — I have his permission to share it.
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